|You Saw A Light
Notes: The dialogue is taken from the audio track of an interview videotaped by Ryan Miller on July 10, 1998 backstage at the Jones Beach Amphitheater. Most of the dialogue occurs between Ryan Miller and an unnamed obsessive Guster fan (*not* Pasty, as many think), who is somewhat infamous for convincing security guards he works for the band and sneaking backstage at shows. The fan consented to the band using the recording with the stipulation that his identity not be revealed. The music is an instrumental version of "Starless Heaven," a track recorded for Keep It Together, but ultimately cut from the US version of the album. It was finally released as a bonus track on the UK version.
Fan: Is this all filming?
Ryan Miller: No.
Fan: 'Cause the truth would have come out if it was filmed. The real Guster.
R: That's true.
Fan: They don't give a rat's ass about their fans. Son of a bitches!
I mean, lemme tell ya...
Fan: The most ungrateful human beings in the world. In the world. It's true, I bust my ass...
R: You think so?
Fan: ...and never heard the word thank you. I bust my ass day and night for this band. You know when you played that show at the park in Providence? And you sat down at the table, and you signed all those fucking autographs, and you signed the girl's thigh and you signed her breast, but do you know who was happy? I was. 'Cause you deserve something like that. You busted your ass where no one gave a shit about you when you were playing the Tin Angel, or the fucking Cubby Bear, or the Music Factory, or the Side Door in St. Louis. Jesus Christ! No one gave a shit.
Fan: This is my 44th show.
Fan: 44. I mean, the most miserable show I've ever seen was the Michigan Theatre. I've never seen more three [sic] obnoxious people in my life. All sick, treating me like shit, and I almost walked off the job. Almost left the show. Do you know I tell people I work for this band?
R: Yeah, I'm... I'm sure that you do.
Fan: I know that drives Brian crazy. It's great though, I mean, yeah, I work for a rock 'n' roll band with this guy Ryan Miller, the times, I mean, now that I tell people I work for a rock 'n' roll band 'what a fucking job!'
R: (laughs) It's a job.
Adam Gardner: (laughs)
Fan: I deserve something; I get no credit from the three of them.
Someone in background: The man is (inaudible)!
Fan: I had to run this show... admit it, Miller, who fucking packed up the van? You didn't even lift a goddamn thing. What ever happened in that hotel room? That was after the Lupo's show. To get the job, I know for a fact she had to sleep with the four of you. Am I right? What will be the future of this band? What do you think the odds are?
R: I don't know.
Fan: What do you mean you don't know? Well, what do you think, Miller? What would you deserve? What do you think is fitting? If you were in my shoes, if you wore these size 12's...
R: I don't know. I'm on the fence with you.
Fan: You're on the fence?
Fan: What do I have to do for you to get off the fence? I'm not that des... I'm not desperate at all.
Fan: How many shows have I gone to where you just don't feel like playing? It's amazing! You play the same goddamn songs night after night. You got... you don't take any requests. I mean, if this band would listen to me... You've gotta get into the hippie scene. You figure, open for Ratdog and Rusted Root... Bobby Weir would have come out and played with us... We are going on a huge headlining tour in the fall. I mean, we're gonna play the Orpheum, the State Theatre, the Vic Theatre in Chicago, the Ogden in Cleveland, the Roxy in Atlanta... I mean, where are all these fans coming from? Instead, we could open for Rusted Root, play in front of 5,000 a night, and then go on the big tour. That's what we should do, Miller.
R: So, take requests, play different songs, play with Pat McGee, that's the formulas [sic] for success?
Fan: You're damn right. I was the man in my high school, let me tell ya... I could drop dead of a heart attack and you wouldn't give a shit.
R: I'm not sure that's... that's entirely true.
Fan: Would you come to my funeral?
R: Yeah, of course I would.
Fan: Would you pay your condolence call?
R: Ah, yeah...
Fan: Would you sit shiva for me?
Fan: The Push Stars? The thing about them is, they paved the way for bands like you. Am I right?
Fan: You hanging out tomorrow night? Do you wanna have a beer? Or are you gonna hang out on your bus? Are you gonna ditch me or what are you gonna do now? I can't get over the nerve when you said "you're not sleeping over at our house!" I never get an invite to sleep over the house. (You were gonna throw me out on the street) And the one time I sleep over the house... for God's sakes, it was like pulling teeth! (God forbid, you should do anything for me.) I get shit from you, and "no, you can't sleep in the house!" (Where do you get off saying that?) "No, you cannot see me at the house." (Would you ever share a hotel room with me?) I have never been offered to sleep in the house! (What about that futon in your room?)
R: This is where it all comes out... here it all comes out.
Fan: I am there when nobody's playing in front of you. I have worked hard for this band. I am the kind of person that when the band gets big (then the big shots come), I get left out. I get fucked over. They don't give a shit, they don't appreciate the work I do for this band.
R: So you think it's all a ruse? You think the love for the fans is all a ruse?
Fan: I think it's all a fraud.
Fan: Parachute is slower than ever. Fucking Rocketship... you wanna... you wanna take a knife and kill yourself! The band sucks! You know what I was thinking of, is when I first saw this band, I'll tell you... about a year and a half ago, these guys would come out and just fucking play... tear it up... and fucking play. Come out, I mean, they would come out with fire! Now, it's like we're dead to the world. I mean... maybe a Met Café show every once in a while, that's great. I mean, just, it was incredible, now it's, 'how can we get off the stage as fast as possible?' I'm in here, 'we need to cut this song, cut that song' instead of just (clap hands) fucking play, you know, Miller? No setlist, just go out there and run with it... whatever happened to "Rain", the Jackopierce cover song? They used to do "Like A Prayer" by Madonna, it was incredible. You can't even look me in the fucking eyes! Look at me! Look me in the eyes! You're scared shitless, you're hiding behind a fucking camera, pretending to tape me. Whatever comes out of these lips is the truth, you're not gonna have it on tape. You know, I mean, it's an act, Miller, that's what I'm talking about.
Fan: You've been honest. Rosenworcel - totally different fucking story. You can't believe a goddamn word that kid says! Am I right? When we were at the Met game, and Rosenworcel, I first see him, he comes out, and he's got these slacks with these tank tops and he's got all this hair coming out, and he goes 'I've just come from the gay parade.'
Fan: I mean, I thought the fucking kid was gay! And I still think he's gay. I mean, he had all this hair and ew, he had the Mets cap sideways, I mean I thought the kid got a fucking blow job from a guy!
R: That would be bad?
Fan: I'm not against gays. I believe in integration. But I tell ya something, if it wasn't for him, you and him wouldn't have a goddamn roof over your heads, I'll tell you that much.
R: The franchise.
Fan: "The franchise" is right! Did ya hear that?
R: He's the heart and soul of this band, huh?
Fan: I mean he is, if it wasn't for him, I mean, this shit wouldn't go on! And if it wasn't for me, I mean I... I am a vital part to this band going on.
Fan: Gardner was like the biggest cheeseball of all time, the cheesiest kid at Pingry.
Adam Gardner: (laughter)
Fan: Did you ever see the movie Hoop Dreams? I mean, you got all these, you know, fans and people, and they're all sitting here and they're all, 'don't forget about me' when you're playing Jones Beach headlining, when you're going to the Garden and you're going here to the Meadowlands, you know blah blah blah the Fleet Center, they're all going 'don't forget about me' at the end of that fucking movie, Hoop Dreams, okay, and the same thing for you, Miller. And the goddamn difference between me and the fucking radio, the fucking radio people, the fucking record company...
Brian Rosenworcel: Hey! Watch your mouth over there!
Fan: The goddamn difference about me is that when this band doesn't fucking make it, or doesn't fucking go anywhere, you get dropped by the label, I'll still be here, Miller. I'll be holding your hand. And that's the difference between me and those other people. 'Cause the radio people won't give a shit, the record company people won't give a shit, when you can't get a fucking gig and you lose the record, I'll still be here.
R: But why?
Fan: I'll be here 'cause I give a goddamn cent about this band.
R: Why? But you just said how awful we are.
Fan: 'Cause I care.
Fan: Because, like I said, I'm crazy, and you're just as crazy for getting in this fucking business. You saw... YOU SAW A LIGHT... you saw something that inspired you with the three of you that 'we might just give this thing a shot.' And as crazy as you were to think of getting into this fucking business, I'm as crazy to follow this goddamn band, but the same light you saw, that say [sic] 'hey, maybe we can make a living at this, maybe this can be fun,' is the same fucking light I saw when I see this band up there. The same light you saw that this could be fun and interesting is the same light that I saw when I first saw this fucking band. That's why.
Fan: You can blow me off, like you always fucking do. But you know, when you're standing up there, fucking basking in all your glory, and I'm nowhere to be found, you remember I was there and I gave a shit more than anyone. I'll tell you this - when they talk about Michael Jordan, and they talk about his ambition to win and how nobody's more competitive than him... and you remember this, Miller, outside of the three of you, and I don't give a shit who works with you, who gets you on the fucking radio, I want this band to be more successful than anyone. And you can take that to the fucking bank.
R: Do you feel better?
Fan: I'm feeling all right.
R: You just have to promise right here, on tape, that you're not gonna kill us. OK, just make that promise. This is going to Hard Copy... this is going right to Hard Copy.
Fan: I have busted my ass...
R: Are you gonna kill us, yes or no? Look me in the eye.
Fan: When was the last time you got laid? You tell me and then I'll tell you whether I'm gonna kill you or not. I mean I have said all I said... I've worked...
R: Seven... six...
Fan: ...so hard for this band...
R: Five... four... three... two... one.
Fan: God.. goodbye, God bless Guster.
Fan: You know, you gotta make your mark somewhere. You know, you gotta stake, you know plant the cabbage somewhere...
R: Plant the cabbage?