Behind the scenes

Despite the idyllic setting and oh-isn't-that-cute-inducing details that any wedding guest will invariably notice and comment on, there has yet to be a wedding in the history of the galaxy that hasn't gone off without some stressful behind-the-scenes maneuvering. L'Affair Soule-Ettawageshik of this past weekend was no exception. We were in Virginia for three and a half days, but allow me to regale you with an approximately six-hour span of time and the events that happened therein...

9am: Mrs. Dave and I return from the local bagelry with a dozen bagels (to feed six people, three of which need to fit into bridesmaids dresses, and one of which needs to fit into a bridal gown), along with various and sundry caffeine-laden beverages to make sure everyone remains conscious and snappy after some late-night festivities the evening prior.

10am: I depart in search of the Grooming Lounge, where I am due to have a seven-towel treatment and luxurious shave. Six of us in all will be getting the treatment, including the Chris troika (S, G and C), the father of the groom, me, and groomsman Tony; four of us have 10:30 appointments, and by 10:25, three of us were there, and Tony was hopelessly lost.

"Tony, I think you're in the wrong mall."
"The wrong mall?!"
"Yeah, there are two malls in Tyson's corner."
"What kind of stupid town has two malls?"
"You're in the wrong mall."
"I'm in the right mall; where the fuck is the Grooming Lounge?"
"It's on the third floor."
"There IS no third floor here!!"
"YOU'RE IN THE WRONG MALL."

Tony finally appears at 10:50, and the rest of us are still sitting there, chuckling amongst ourselves. So of course, he's the first one invited in. The other three soon follow and our faces are soon swaddled in hot towels, rubbed up, down, and sideways with all sorts of creams, lotions, gels and other concoctions, and then shaved to within a nanometer of our capillaries, leaving us clean, smooth, and refreshed.

12:30pm: We're done exchanging pleasantries (and narrowly avoiding overpriced shaving kits and accessories), grab a quick lunch, and head out back to the wedding site to start setting up the chairs. Chris G and Chris S head out to Chris C's car to grab the PA and speakers (for their band's two-song performance later that evening); I head right back, hit Route 66, and immediately run into traffic. Heavy traffic. Major accident traffic. By the time two ambulances and a fire truck have gone screaming past me in the breakdown lane, I've already fielded two calls from my panicked wife, who is AT the wedding site and has the bad news that the grass hasn't been mowed yet (they're the first wedding of the season, and the grass was supposed to be cut - for the first time all spring - on Friday), and made two calls to the drivers of the speaker-mobile, who are just now pulling out of the garage. Just in time to skirt the accident and make their way back to the venue. I plow through another mile of traffic before seeing that it's a simple rear-ending - no flames, no broken glass, no jackknifed double-tanker, just SUV-on-SUV crime. Dumbasses.

1:00pm: We finally arrive at the venue. It's hot, hazy, and the grass is still a foot long, which means we basically can't set up the chairs, can't set up the arch, can't set up the podium, can't set up the speakers for the processional music. Mrs. Dave had even tried to pry a hand mower loose from the hotel staff (how she would have gotten it to the venue, I have no idea, but she wins my undying admiration for trying). Unbeknownst to me, she's also browbeaten the site coordinator for Cabell's Mill into calling not only the private contractor who was supposed to mow the grass the previous day, but also into calling someone from the Fairfax County Park Authority to get a mower here. We have no idea who will get there first, and then with a fanfare of trumpets (well, not really), the private contractor arrives with no fewer than six mowers, and they proceed to buzz the place in a half-hour (or at least, the part we needed, after I prevailed upon them in Spanish to mow the 500 square feet we needed to clear for chairs et al). Instead of wrapping up by 1:30, as was the plan, we're done by 2:30. I haul ass back to the hotel, shower, put on my tux, and I'm back at the place by 3 to start ushing, since of course, the guests show up early...but we finally get to breathe again.