On paper products

On paper products


Went shopping with the wife the other day and we bought paper towels. Since we had a coupon and since we live in a school dorm, we got one of those super extra huge packs that could double as a fall cushion for a stunt double in Lethal Weapon 5 (6? how many have they made now? at what point does Danny Glover get so old that he moves from "I'm getting too old for this" to "I'm way the hell too old for this"?). Basically it was a really big package of paper towels, just in case the Exxon Valdez happens to crash into our kitchen and the volunteers run out of absorbent materials.


Anyway...one thing I've noticed over the last couple of years is that some marketing genius at the absorbent paper product company decided that having a roll of plain, white, very absorbent paper product wasn't enough. No, the absorbent paper market was missing out on something...something that mankind had made it several hundred million years without...something that I now cannot picture my life lacking...


Fruit and vegetable-print paper towels.


Honestly, when was the last time you complimented someone on their choice of paper towel pattern? Made a judgment as to someone's personality based on the cutesy print on their absorbent disposable kitchen product of choice? I mean...chances are, you know a person pretty well if you get the point of even SEEING their paper towels. Is seeing a pithy saying on their cleaning products going to change what you think of them? And of course, it's everywhere - you have to do some serious searching to find the plain white paper towels that I got to know so well in my younger, simpler years. Apparently these days, if you're going to clean cat puke off the floor, the fact that there are little floral arrangements in pastel colors on my quicker-picker-upper will make the task just a little more pleasant and manageable.


So what's the next step? Is Brawny going to start marketing their paper towels to men only, with sports trivia printed on their rolls? Are there going to be special "men's workshop only" paper towels with buxom women printed on them, a la 16-wheeler mud flaps? Maybe there'll be a more domestic version with printed lists of how many sheets it takes to clean up various household messes - an indication that men, too, are permitted help around the house. This movement must be stopped. But for the time being, we have eight rolls of fruit and vegetable-print Sparkle brand paper towels sitting in the kitchen. I'm not really sure what to make of this.


And don't even get me started on toilet paper.